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Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Waking Up Early: Day 8 - Embracing My Mary Heart

I began this personal challenge of waking up early because I was trying to get up before my kids in order to have a little more "quiet time" with Jesus.  I thought I'd be able to sneak downstairs and drink a cup of coffee and do my Bible study, and they would sleep.  I thought this because they had been sleeping well past 8 or 9am for the last month or so, and I had been blissfully sleeping in with them, because I felt I needed the rest and I could fit my quiet time in at nap time.  However, as soon as I began this challenge my children went crazy and also decided to get up early with me.  I cannot get up any earlier without being a major grouch.

I was feeling guilty about this, and expressed it to my Ladies Bible Study/Exercise group last night.  I told them, among other things that I had read so many blogs of moms who get up before their kids, and these moms explain why, and how useful it is, and Oh, I want to, but my kids just don't allow it right now.  I explained how I have always known that in the "Mary vs. Martha" personalities that I am soooooo Mary!  I could just sit at the Lord's feet and listen and worship all day long.
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I had forgotten my extreme love of listening and learning, and the D6 Conference we went to last week reminded me of that.  I took so many good notes.  I keep join back and re-reading them.  I could absorb information all day if I was afforded the time.  When I get on social media, I do not have any issues with jealousy or feeling like I wish my life was more like so-and-so's.  I have issues with wanting to read every single article and all the blogs.  I get stressed out when I am trying so hard to keep my little apartment clean and my kids have the goal of destroying it as quickly as possible.  The mess doesn't stress me out - I could waller in this clutter all day.  It stresses out my husband though, and it looks bad for guests.  So, the responsible things to do is keep it clean, and pick up a little bit all day long.  I am still using nap time as my quiet time, but some days I am so tempted to use the kids' nap time as my cleaning catch up time.

Then, as God so often does, he used the words of one of my sweet lady friends to speak right to my problem.  She said almost these exact words, "Stop comparing yourself to all the mommy bloggers who get up early.  You have a nursing baby and a two year old right now, and it's OK that you don't get up early.  You need to do what is best for Kelly.  You need to do what makes YOU a good, sane, mom.  If you can fit your quiet time in somewhere else in your day, STOP beating yourself up about it.  You don't have to be like them if it's not working for your family right now. Your family needs you to be YOU.  If you need more sleep to be patient with your kids, then don't feel bad about it!"  This came from a sweet mom of five beautiful girls who really does know what she's talking about.

PLUS, in the Bible study video that we are doing (Week 4: Welcome the Pruning from the Abide Journal by Jess Connolly with Nap Time Diaries), her guest speaker Lara Casey, spoke a great word on this as well.  She said, "What are you trying to control that God wants to prune and take out of your hands?" I told the ladies as soon as the video went off, "I'm trying too hard to control my house.  All I really need to focus on is the main clutter, and not obsess over the dusting, sweeping, vacuuming.  When I start feeling overwhelmed about the depth of the cleaning all at once, I become a control freak, and a mean mommy."

Today, as soon as I got the kids down for their nap, I ran downstairs and went straight to continue cleaning what I had not finished before I had to put the kids down for a nap, picking up toys scattered across the living room.  I began to pray and tell God, once again, "I'm sorry I'm cleaning right now instead of sitting at your feet and soaking up your word.  I wish I could just do that right now.  I am supposed to clean up though..."  and then I felt God say so clearly to my heart, using some of my very favorite scripture,

"Stop trying to conform yourself to the pattern of this world.  BE the Mary-heart that I created you to be.  If you want to come and sit at my feet right now, come to me!  It is good for you to be still, and know that I am God."

I lost it.  I began weeping, and fell on my knees, and just spent some time there in prayer and enjoying the feeling that I should not feel guilty about having a Mary heart, because that is just how He made me.  I am a peace lover.  I am an encourager.  I am a listener.  I am a hugger.  I am who God wants me to be, and my house is not a reflection of my heart.  Sometimes, it's a reflection of the little mess-making blessings who live here, and that is OK.
They're worth it.
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