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Saturday, July 2, 2016

Ode to Pregnancy

It was an honor to carry you under my heart
Even when I thought your presence might be tearing me apart
You were a miracle to watch unfold
You were my joy to finally behold
I loved you from the first time I knew you were there
Even though being your host didn't always feel fair
In being your mother, I will always take great delight
In giving you birth, I fought with all my might
Watching you grow on the screen and in my womb
Was a beautiful gift, and my love grew out of room
Now grow baby, grow into a person of your own
Please just don't forget where your heart first found its home

The day before Jonah was born

36 Weeks with Karis

40 Weeks and 2 days with Josie -
still 4 days before she was born

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Disney - the Message in the Movies!

My husband, John, is the Lead Pastor of a neat, small, contemporary church body here called "Church of the Valley," and we are absolutely loving being able to serve this community.  We attended this church during our unemployed time, and so we already knew and loved many of the people, goals, and outreach activities of the church.  I wrote some about it in our initial transition here when we felt God leading us to move back here in order for John to take this position.

Now, several months into the position, we are getting to know and love everybody even more! They just finished a sermon series comparing a few Disney movies to some Scriptural truths, and it was really eye-opening and FUN! If you are even slightly curious, you should listen to some of these podcasts:

All sermons are listed here on the pod bean spot, or you can individually hear them at these links:

1. The Lion King - John Honea

2. Finding Nemo - John Honea

3. Beauty and the Beast - John Honea

4. Frozen - Nathan Ross

5. Cars - John Honea

They are really unique ways to compare the Bible to some of our favorite movies. I hope you enjoy them and learn and grow from them as much as I did!

Friday, February 19, 2016

Welcoming Josie Faith in Pictures

These are all my favorites from our newborn photographs by Christi Haney Photography. She came to our house when Josie was 5 days old, and worked hard to get lots of sweet poses from our wrinkly little girl. Catching pictures of all three kids felt impossible. Thank God for fast camera clicks to catch a few seconds between the silly faces, smirks, and purposely closed eyes!  Jonah and Karis were completely enamored by her enormous bean bag that she used to prop and set up the pictures, so it was a constant struggle to keep them away until John just left the house with them after they were done.  I was still pretty swollen from all the IV fluids at the hospital, so I don't really like the ones with me, but that's just life and puffiness 5 days after being induced, and I can live with that.  Now, 3 weeks later, I look very different, and am constantly reminded by how amazing it is that God made our bodies to house another human for so long.

Her eyes were a steely gray.
They are already starting to look sort of blue now.

Karis was really disgusted by Josie's umbilical cord stump,
and refused to sit by her/touch her once she saw it.

Jonah kept saying the sun was in his eyes and refused to open them.
Looks sweet though, haha!




We have pictures of John like this with all 3 kids.
They make me happy.

Absolutely nothing more attractive than when he is being a good father.

All the pink makes me think of her as a little fairy here.

And now she's an elf with the cutest hat ever!

Sweetness in a basket!

My second favorite.

My absolute favorite. I don't even know why.
I just love this one.

She makes this face constantly, so I feel like this is very true to life.


I love her little hand on her chin. 

Postpartum has really kicked my butt this time around. Thank God we have friends and family here who have been super helpful with our other 2 kids and bringing meals! I am overwhelmingly grateful for all of the love people have shown us in the last few weeks. Now, at 3 weeks postpartum, I am FINALLY starting to feel like 80% of my normal self.  I'm not sure why recovery took so much longer this time, but it has been teaching me once again to find my strength and hope in the Lord, and not myself.  More on all that later. :)   

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Birth #3 - Induced

I have had 2 natural labor/deliveries in the past, and this was 'planned' to be no different, meaning I fully expected to go into spontaneous labor on my own, and have the baby at the hospital this time (because baby #2 was born in the car), with as few interventions/medications as possible.  The weeks leading up to the due date were full of a myriad of differences from my last pregnancies, and a considerable amount of pain. You can read about them in the previous post - Pregnancy #3.

Monday, January 25, 2016, I woke up before 3 am with some contractions that were mostly in the front of my belly. After so much back pain recently, I welcomed gladly pain in the front! They continued, got longer, most lasting around 2 minutes, but stayed around 9-12 minutes apart. However, all my movement in and around our bedroom woke up John, so he started being comforting as we both hoped this was the real deal. At 6am, they were bad enough that I called my mom and asked her to come over to our house instead of going to work, because she had decide to take 2 days off in order to help with the kids.  Right after I called her, I laid down to rest a second, and the contractions stopped. I had one more small one twenty minutes later, then I just felt exhausted again, so I called her back around 6:40 and told her to just go ahead to work, false alarm again. John was also exhausted, but needed to go to work in order to have his 5 days off when the baby came, so he had to get up, get ready and go.

Frustrated, a little sad to have had false labor again, 5 days overdue, and extremely exhausted, I saw him out the door, made breakfast for the kids, and then had a morning of movies while I dozed in our big cuddled recliner between the kids.  I woke up to make the kids lunch, and put them down for a nap. I took a shower, did make up, and made coffee to help myself wake up a little more.  One of our good friends from church came over to stay with the kids while I went for my doctor's appointment.  I had to have an ultrasound and non-stress test because I was overdue.  I was honestly not looking forward to this.

I went in ready for them to tell me the baby was measuring large and to try to convince me to induce.  I was prepared to argue for waiting on the basis that I was not afraid to deliver a large baby, and lots of recent research proves that ultrasound can be off by up to a pound either way, and I would wait to go into labor spontaneously until I hit 42 weeks.  I was surprised and taken completely off guard then when the ultrasound tech did not even mention the size of the baby, other than to say
"Baby looks good, great heartbeat, all the organs look great." However, she did throw some brand new information at me, "Your fluid is very low. The doctor will probably talk to you about inducing." Confusion washed over me like a cold shower, and I started asking questions,
"What does that mean? How much fluid should I have? How much do I have? Can that hurt the baby?" She answered calmly and politely,
"Baby looks good, healthy and fine, so it's not affecting her, yet. We like to see numbers above 10, but we will take as low as 8 when you go overdue like this. You're at a 6, so the doctor will talk to you about inducing."
I took some deep breaths and went to get hooked up to the non-stress test, where they monitor baby's heartbeat for twenty minutes. I prayed about all this, and sent a few text messages out asking for prayer, and then just gave it to the Lord and waited to see what the doctor would say. I had asked God to keep the baby healthy despite my pain, and He had. Baby was ok, and that was very reassuring.

I had some terrific back pain in the days prior to this, and now it made sense. My fluid was so low that the baby's skull was literally resting very close to my spine and just bumping nerves all the time.  It made sense that some of the back pain was sharp and electrical feeling while some was just constantly aching. I had asked God to know why this was painful, and now I knew. I looked smaller and gained less weight because there was so much less liquid.  I remembered with Karis they did an ultrasound at 37 weeks because I was measuring "large," and my fluid was at 17 or 18, and they had said that was a lot. I remembered the huge gush as my water broke in the car with her.  I thought about reading birth stories where a woman's water was broken hours before labor and how sometimes it led to a more painful "dry birth," and I didn't like the thought of that.

Her heart rate bounced around between 120 and 160 and they were happy with all that, so they promptly removed the monitors at the 20 minute mark and the doctor came in shortly afterward. He examined me and said there was definitely not a leak in fluid, I was still dilated to slightly less than 2, and since there was no leak, it meant the placenta had stopped doing its job. He said that when the body goes overdue and fluid gets low it means the placenta has basically quit, and although it doesn't harm the baby much, the fluid will not replenish, it will only continue going down, until a "dry birth" is likely.  He said we needed to induce the next day.  I was still a little in shock, and kept frowning and saying, "I just didn't want to induce." to which he would answer, "I'm really sorry." However, when he said I needed to come in the following day, it was to Huntsville Hospital. That made me even more uncomfortable, because I had only great experiences with Crestwood, and did not want to make this new territory in birth even more new. I expressed my concerns, and he explained the only reason he chose Huntsville was because he had an 8am surgery there, and he didn't want me 15 minutes down the road if he was still in the middle of surgery when I needed to deliver. I understood, but my response was still, "If I MUST be induced, then I ONLY want to do it at Crestwood." I have read enough and been through labor enough to know that my personal comfort level/anxiety level is a huge factor in labor, and I did not feel comfortable switching locations now. He frowned now. "I really don't want you to wait 2 days." So I offered,
"I can come in this afternoon to Crestwood. Would that work?" He thought a moment and said yes. It was almost 2pm. He asked if I could be there by 4pm. I thought I could. It was set. I texted John all the info, and thought about how he had been up since 3am with me, and had not had a nap. Poor guy.

On the drive home I prayed about this some more, and felt total peace.  This was not me going in and requesting an induction because I couldn't stand the back pain. This was the doctor saying it was medically necessary to induce. Being induced had always scared me because of the stories of how bad pitocin contractions are, and how most people cannot continue to go without an epidural. However,  my doctor said he had plenty of patients who were induced and continued to go without an epidural.  I only have one friend who has done this, so hearing him say he had 'plenty' was more reassuring. I don't know you - women of the 'plenty'- but I am thankful for your story, and it gave me hope.

I went home and carb loaded for my marathon ahead, eating gluten free spaghetti leftovers, a banana muffin, and had another cup of coffee. My bags had been packed for weeks, so I just threw in last minute items and put them by the door. My mom came to spend the night with the kids and keep them for the next 2 days. John came home and we left.  Agreeing to be induced, and showing up 2 hours later for it is a fast turn-around time.  My doctor said that since it was my third, he felt that once I hit 4 cm, the process would "fly." That was hopeful as well.

We were checked in to the exact same room we had been in for false labor almost a month earlier. It was calming to be somewhere familiar, and I was very happy that I had stood up for myself and insisted upon Crestwood. We saw a few of the same nurses, and a few new ones.  When we had come in for the false labor, our nurse had given me a hospital gown, but said, "Unless you have your own you'd like to wear?" That day I had forgotten that I had my own, but walking around in the bottom-showing, scratchy hospital gown for several hours, reminded me to go home and pack mine. I put on the little Old Navy maternity dress, that is either truly a night gown or a swim cover-up, but not a 'real' dress, however, the color is one that makes me happy, and it was very soft, and covered my behind most of the time.  No one said a word about it, and I was thankful again to the Lord for giving me the false labor to be reminded of this one thing, because in labor - comfort is power!

Last belly picture, before getting induced in the hospital.

I put a few drops of essential oils on the shoulders of my 'birthing dress' to help me take deep, calming breaths. I put 2 drops of peppermint on one shoulder and 2 drops of lavender on the other shoulder. This is far easier than using a diffuser when away from home. If I needed the scent to be stronger, I just turned to that side.  I reapplied the drops once, several hours in. At one point during labor I did feel the need to pee, but couldn't, and putting a drop or two of peppermint oil in the toilet fixed that problem immediately.

Without even having to request it, the nurse said, "Oh, you'll want the wireless monitors. Let me go get them for you." That was also a huge blessing, because in labor, you need to move around a lot, and being confined to the bed is far from ideal. The wireless monitors seemed to work great all over the room, but I'm not sure if they would have worked in the hallway, I didn't try.

I hate needles. Getting the IV with the catheter in my arm was by far part of the worst of it all. I had to have it for the pitocin and the antibiotics, because I was Beta Strep positive again. There was also a bag of just 'fluid' up there on the pole. Having that in my arm was very uncomfortable the entire time. My first nurse for the evening explained how the pitocin induction process worked - with them starting me out at 2 (I don't know what measurement - 2 somethings per minute), and every fifteen minutes they would turn it up more if I was "comfortable" with it.  She said she felt like 6 was a good number to stay at for a while, although some doctor and nurses seem to think it's OK to turn it all the way up to 30.  I don't remember feeling anything with it on 2, so I was happy to get to 4, which started some itty bitty short contractions, and then at 6 they did increase to lasting almost 20 seconds, but still at least 4 minutes apart. I was happy for them to keep turning it up until we hit 10. I worked with level 10 for about an hour before I said, "Ok, let's try 12." Romans 12 is my favorite chapter in the bible, and talks about being a living sacrifice, and for some reason, I felt like 12 was where it needed to stay for a long time. I thought about how to worship through birth. I tried to sing along to some of my music, but decided that it was worshipful to just focus on the task at hand, pray for strength, and stay kind to everyone around me.

Here's also where I feel like God was all over the timing of this process - my false labor that very morning gave me a true sense of how my own body ran contractions. For three hours I monitored their length, I knew how much my body would put me through on its own, and how much I could stand, and now this knowledge gave me confidence in how much I was going to allow in the pitocin. Isn't God cool like that? Because pain is something you don't always remember details of - so having false labor that morning gave me a specific starting point.  At the end of it all, when the doctor asked me,
"Was that as bad as you thought it would be?" and I said,
"No," he then told me,
"Yes, contractions are contractions - whether they're natural or pit, or whatever, people shouldn't be so scared of it." Says the MAN who has never had one contraction. Also, I don't know what would have happened if I had let them turn it above 12 - I don't want to think about 30! This is one of the few things I do disagree with him on, because here are the differences in my natural contractions and the pitocin synthesized ones (in case you were interested in being induced after going natural a time or two):

Natural contractions for me begin and end more gradually - like they creep up the front of my belly before taking over as a big huge total core squeeze that sometimes wraps around the back, sometimes not, and then they fade away as well.  This is where some people compare them to waves that wash over you and recede. It's like they begin on a pain scale of 5, then cap out at like an 8 or 9, and then fade away again, sometimes down to 1 or 2 in the beginning, but as labor progresses, the pain does not completely go away between contractions, but stays somewhere between a 3 and 5.

The pitocin contractions began and ended rather abruptly - it was sort of like 'all or nothing' with them. Pain scale ranging from 2 in between contractions, to suddenly being a full on 7-9, lasting it's length and then suddenly stopping again. I do not believe this would have changed had I let them turn the pitocin up any higher.

Natural contractions lasted much longer for me - averaging 2 minutes, but going up to 3 minutes several times as well. I remember that with my other two labors, and had that experience that morning, which was one reason I was so shocked it stopped - I mean having a three minute contraction should turn into real labor! Then they would also wait several minutes apart and gradually build up to coming closer together.

Pitocin contractions never lasted much more than a minute, even after several hours.  They also came a lot faster. 30-50 second long contractions, that were about 1 - 2 minutes apart for several hours is what I experienced on level 10 and 12. Had I let them turn it up higher, they may have lasted longer, but their intensity and speed were enough to keep me happy with their duration.

After 3 hours, and getting up to pitocin level 10, when she checked me and I was at 3, we were rather disappointed and that was when I let them turn it up to 12. After an hour of that, she checked me and I was at 5. I do want to say that my nice little nurse was always very respectful and gentle when checking me, and waited for contractions to end.  She was a gem, and spent a lot of time in the room with us, bringing me ice water (they encouraged real drinking! - not just ice chips), and anything we asked for.  She suggested a cool washcloth on the back of my neck when I started getting hot, and that was nice for a little while. She told us that my doctor wanted to know when I was at 6, and he would come up to the hospital and hang out until the baby was born.  After an hour of some longer contractions, that now seemed to come about a minute apart, we asked to be checked again, and she informed us, almost apologetically,
"Almost the same, not yet to six. But I can tell it's getting harder for you, so I am going to call your doctor and let him know." He came in shortly after that, watched for a few minutes and commented nicely,
"You have excellent pain control. You're doing a great job."

It was probably around 11pm, and John and I were both getting really exhausted. I did not want to be checked again and told 5, so I decided mentally to just power through it, and wait for my water to break so I could push.  Now, with Jonah (my first), I got very nauseated right at the end, and throwing up made my water break. After the water broke, they checked me and said I was at 10, to wait for the doctor, but I never felt the urge to push. I think my body wanted to rest. With Karis (my second), I felt like I was trying to hold back in the car as we went to the hospital. This sounds strange, but it was the feeling like needing to pass gas, but hoping it will be silent, and then giving a teeny tiny push, and my water broke - all over the car, and we had to pull over and have her in the Jet Pep parking lot.

Because of those two experiences, I really wanted to make my water break, and I got to the point with these rapid-fire fast intense contractions to where I realized I was pushing a little during the contractions. I wondered if that was OK, but decided not to tell anyone. I did that for an hour or more, moving around like crazy, trying different positions on the ball, on the bed, standing, lunging, rocking, squatting, always having John there to hold his hand or lean against him. I had my music on, I had read my encouragement cards and scripture so much the day before, I only read through them all maybe twice in the hospital. I told John, "Tell me it's almost over." So, he would try to say that every now and then and be as encouraging as he could, being so very tired, and not really having an encouraging spirit. I think around midnight we were both shocked that we still hadn't had a baby yet, and so very tired. I asked the nurse to turn the pitocin back down to 10 because I felt like everything was getting a little too hard to take. I think we were getting close to 'transition.'  I felt like the room was darkening around me, and the pain was getting very intense, like I wanted to bite something and scream. At this point, had a large birthing tub been available, I would have probably spent the remainder of the time there, and I believe it would have been a shorter time. Alabama really needs to get on board!

At the end, I was kneeling on the end of the hospital bed, and John was sitting on the ball in front of the bed (because he admitted he was absolutely too tired to stand up), and I had my head and elbows in his lap, with my behind up in the air, and he was hugging my upper body and holding my belly through each contraction. I had done this sort of position near the end of labor at home with Karis, just pushing back into a downward dog yoga position, so I felt like this meant we were close. I was still pushing just a little during the contractions, and starting to moan very loudly. In labor with Karis, my awesome doula Hannah had taught me to open the mouth wide and make low sounds - because, little high pitch shrills with a tight mouth do not help the body/uterus to relax and open. I remembered and followed that advice the whole time - wide mouth, low noises, volume doesn't matter, as long as it's not high pitch. Suddenly, I realized the pain was not going away between contractions at all - it was staying a hard, high 8 or 9 on the pain scale (I hesitate to say 10 because I always feel like it's bad, but could probably get a little worse) - and I felt a little dizzy with my head down. I realized I was trying to push harder hoping to break my water, and I felt hot all over, and pictures of babies born with their water intact popped in my head and it occurred to me that I might be ready to push even though my water had not broken!

I decided to go with that, and began saying loudly, "I'm ready to push. I'm ready to push. I'm ready to push," and I just started moving back up in the bed, raising the head so I could sit up all the way. The nurse said, "I need to check you then," but I was not really cooperating well, because the contractions did not feel like they were stopping, and so I think I was laying on my side, gripping the bed rails, growling, and she checked me and said, "Yep!" and ran out of the room, and came back with the doctor, saying, "She's at a high 8, maybe 9, very soft though, but she wants to push." This woke up John fully, and he was standing by me, saying very honestly now, "It really is almost over, babe. Almost over. You can do it." The doctor just nodded, pulled up a seat, and I started pushing and yelling like crazy!

I pushed really hard, and my water broke, and then her head started immediately coming down, and I was yelling a lot. John said he thought it looked like the doctor was pushing against me, holding his hand down just under where her head was coming out, and I think that counter-pressure low did help me to tear much less. However, it also slowed me down just a little, because her head was out and I stopped a second to breathe. She was already screaming, and I felt like I was coming out of a big black cloud of pain. The doctor told me to push one more big time and she'd be out. I did, but I don't know if I was too tired or what, I didn't get that huge rumbly, bones and baby leaving my body feeling like I did when Karis was born all at once.

Then it was all better.
I felt like the lights got turned back on in the room, but they had never been turned off.
Josie Faith was born at 1:09am, Tuesday, January 26th.

The miracle of birth is so crazy that the second that kid is out, your mind clears from the pain fog, and all these amazing happy hormones flood your brain, and no matter how tired you were, you are suddenly wide awake like a red bull was just shot up in that IV! They held up her little wiggly, wet self and gave her to me. The doctor let the cord stop pulsing, and I don't know how long that took because I felt like I was holding this little baby outside of time. I remember feeling like that after the other two. It's this wide-awake dream-like I can NOT believe that just happened feeling. I don't know when I delivered the placenta, but it had a lot of white stripes/streaks that I do not remember seeing on the other two, so I wonder if that had to do with it 'quitting.' I did not get to hold her for very long before the nurses wanted to suction her mouth/nose because she was sort of gagging a little. The doctor said I only needed 2 stitches, and he did that quickly. Then the shaking began really bad. I remember the violent leg shaking, total body tremors after the other two births, but I also thought it had to do with feeling cold both times. I made sure to keep my hospital room very warm this time, and it still was, and I even told the doctor, "I'm not cold at all! Why am I shaking so bad?" He just laughed a little and said, "Oh that's the adrenaline." Then he put some very warm blankets on top of me anyway, and softly pushed down on my legs, smoothing the blankets out, and that helped most of the shaking to stop.


She was 8 lbs, 5oz, and 20 inches long. One ounce smaller than her siblings. When they gave her back, John took a few pictures and then we started breastfeeding. Every prayer, answered. I was induced, but no epidural, no other interventions, healthy baby, healthy mama, so very thankful.

I love her little popeye nose!

Her hair is much darker than my other two kids, for now.


Christi Haney Photography - 5 days old

Christi Haney Photography - All THREE kids!

Christi Haney Photography - 5 days old



Monday, February 1, 2016

Pregnancy #3 - False Labor, Back Pain & Prayers

This pregnancy has been a surprise blessing my life. However, surprise blessings do not always come with ease, and this has also been the most sick/uncomfortable pregnancy for me. The first and into the second trimester were full of nausea. I had about six weeks of no nausea, before it returned in the third trimester like a mean old trick. I found that Vitamin B6, frequent gluten-free snacks, lots of protein (especially in the morning), and eating cereal before bedtime helped. I was more active this time, with exercise 2-3 times a week until about half way through the third trimester, when moving and unpacking took over my exercise times. I gained 5 pounds less than I did when pregnant with Jonah, which means almost 20 pounds less than with Karis, which I attributed to better exercise and eating habits, but found out had other reasons as well.


Same shirt, each pregnancy.
Pregnancy produce sitting on the counter.

Overall, I felt like I looked more healthy this time, because I did not seem to gain as much weight, but looking healthy did not mean I felt healthy. I also had far more general aches and pains this time, with pain in my hip flexors, shooting down the front of my thighs, and in my back, down the sciatic nerve frequently in my rear end and the back of my leg. Some people would attribute all that to being a mom of two little ones, chasing them and such, but honestly, I tried to nap if I felt tired when they napped in the afternoons, which was at least half the time. If the mornings were very hard for me, and exhaustion took over (also - first AND third trimester this time - super tired some days, like 2 naps were needed just to open my eyeballs), I would sometimes put on a movie for them and cuddle/lay back in the chair and doze for the length of the movie.  I did not have that option when I was pregnant the first time and taught 1st grade, and I never even felt that I needed it the last time when I just had one toddler to chase.  I don't know exactly why this pregnancy took so much out of me, but it kept reinforcing and bringing me peace that this would be the last one.

I am not at all comparing this pregnancy to the super women who have high-risk pregnancies, lots of problems, are put on bed rest, and lots of medications.  I understand that I had no where near that difficult a trial to go through, and I am thankful for that.  I am comparing this one only to my first two pregnancies, which were far easier for me physically. I considered very seriously not writing all this out, because I do not want it to be perceived that I was ungrateful or angry about this pregnancy. I know that babies are a gift from God, and I am so thankful that I was allowed to have three healthy pregnancies and three healthy babies. I know my three babies are far more than some women ever get to have, even after begging, praying, and spending a fortune on trying to just have one. I am so thankful for this baby. The story of my pregnancy leads into the story of her birth making far more sense.

I had several Braxton Hicks contractions daily - not painful, but tightening sensations all over the belly, beginning around week 30 this time. Then at 36 weeks and 5 days, near the beginning of Christmas break for my husband (a pastor and a high school ISS teacher), we had a big storm weather warning with a warm front coming through, and my body went into the early stages of labor.  I woke up at 4am with fairly steady contractions, that built up to about 10-12 minutes apart for a few hours. This made me extremely nauseated (which labor has not done before to my body), and I ate a banana and began to get out the newborn baby clothes to wash them.  I sorted newborn laundry, and packed my hospital bags, while breathing through some contractions. I decided to take a shower to see if labor would stop.  In the shower it got worse, and I threw up.  After the shower I felt exhausted and laid down for about 15 minutes before deciding to get up and dry my hair. Contractions took about a 20 minute break, then resumed again, this time fairly regularly 9 minutes apart. At my previous doctor's appointment, I had asked him, in relation to contractions, when should I come to the hospital. Based on the fact that my previous birth had happened so quickly, he said, "As soon as you think it's the real deal, I don't care how far apart they are, you need to get here in case it goes even faster." So, on this sort of "High-alert" thinking, I told John we should head in for the hospital. Our kids had already gone to spend the night with a grandparent the night before, because of the Christmas break, so we didn't even have to worry about them. We are so thankful to have family close by. It has made a HUGE difference in the amount of help we get with our kids, and the amount of alone time John and I get to spend together.  We stopped for coffee, and headed to the hospital, now with contractions about 8 minutes apart, lasting about a minute or slightly more.

The hospital of my choice for this town is Crestwood, because I had a great experience there the last time with recovery/postpartum from baby #2, and it is very commonly known for being natural-labor friendly. We signed in, and immediately, a few of the nurses recognized us and so happily began referring to us as "The Jet-Pep Baby People." It was like a comedic reunion and made me smile.  My nurse checked me though and said I was only at a high one/low 2 maybe.  Not much dilation, so we walked laps around the hallways. Labor sped up as the weather got worse outside. It was stormy and pouring rain with this huge warm front outside, and contractions sped all the way up to 4 minutes apart, lasting longer than a minute.

We thought for sure we were coming home with a baby 3 weeks earlier than expected. However, when the nurse checked me again, I was exactly the same, no progress. Disappointed, but entirely scared to go home with contractions 4 minutes apart, we stayed another hour or so. Then, as the sky lightened, clouds passed, and the weather improved, my contractions got further apart, and then completely quit. We had been shocked that morning, and a little worried about being over 3 weeks away from the due date. Worry had turned into peaceful excitement though, as we thought that we were going to meet the baby, and have everyone's Christmas break time to get to know her before people all had to go back to work. Now, we felt deflated as we were going home with nothing to show for our long hours at the hospital. I crash slept for the next 3-4 hours just to be able to function. My stomach hurt the rest of that day and into the next.

The day after being in the hospital with false labor.
Walking around Costco gave me a few contractions while I was there.
That day began all the false labor. The next few weeks included many days of weather related contractions, nausea, and exhaustion. I would have a day or two where I felt good again, and then a sudden onset of several hours of this false labor.  It was unpredictable, but left me exhausted and frustrated. I began to try to really change my mindset, and focus on this being the last pregnancy, and enjoy the baby movements, and cuddling the other two kids while there were only two of them.  That, along with deep breaths, helped most of the time.  Then, at around week 39, extreme bouts of back pain began. Back pain that varied from deep tissue that felt good being massaged, and seemed to be a contraction only in my back, to some weird back pains that were more like electrical spasms as if someone had snuck up behind me and stuck me with a taser.  Each time, it lasted for several hours.  One day it was from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed.  I had a hard time enjoying pregnancy from that day forward.  I felt very emotional, and struggled with the fear that I would go in and request to be induced because I just could not take the pain anymore. I asked several people to pray about it, because I was so frustrated with the pain. As my due date came and went, the back pains increased, and I began to pray for true labor to start.

I went and got my nose pierced because it's something I've always wanted to do.
I was feeling like a large whale, and I felt like a tiny sparkle would make me feel slightly 'cooler.'
I am so glad I did! I love it!
I got out my Scripture encouragement cards, and began listening to my labor playlist.  The verses that I clung to most were:

Psalm 27:14

Galatians 6:9

Psalm 29:11

Proverbs 3:5

Hebrews 11:1

John 14:27

1 Peter 5:7

James 1:2-4



and the Lauren Daigle CD songs "Trust In You," "My Revival," and "Loyal," which all focus on use trusting God in all circumstances based on His good character.  The song "It's Not Over Yet" by King and Country, and "Good Good Father" by Christ Tomlin were also extremely helpful in dealing with the back pain. I got out my adult coloring books and sat at the table and colored, and cried, and read my scripture cards, and listened to music.
40 Weeks, 1 Day
I did hair and make-up to go to Kroger with the kids. 

Going over-due meant daddy could play in the snow with the kids on our snow day.
On Sunday, I specifically prayed harder for the back pain to end and real labor to start. I prayed for strength to not waiver on my desire to go natural. I prayed that the back pain was not related to the baby's health, and that she was just fine in the womb. I prayed that one day I would understand why this was so painful. I prayed that God would use all my pain to glorify Him, and that I would not become angry and short-tempered at home with my family for as long as it lasted. John came home from church and found me in tears and prayed for me and the baby also. God answered all those prayers and more the very next day at my doctor's appointment, which led to the birth, so is in the next post. :)

Monday, January 11, 2016

Truth in 2016 - One Word 365

I enjoyed doing the 'One Word Focus' last year in lieu of any resolutions.  Last year I chose "Fearless," and learned much about myself in the process. This year I am choosing to focus on the word: Truth.

As I explained in my last post about addressing fears, I realized that I needed to embrace the truth about situations in order to stand firmly on faith.  The Bible teaches quite a lot about the truth, but my favorite verse on the topic has to be John 8:31-32:

IF we hold to His teachings, abide in His word, learn them, believe them, apply them, THEN we will know the Truth, and the Truth will set us FREE! That's amazing!

Jesus IS the way, the truth, and the life. I know that on this journey, I must only draw closer to Him if I want to uncover the truth about anything. (John 14:6)


My focus on truth is mostly centered around becoming more aware of the lies I believe about myself, the lies I believe about God, the world, and other people, and the lies I tell that may seem 'harmless' or 'insignificant' or even are not lies in the telling, but lies because I do not tell.

I want to uncover the parts of my life that have been hidden for too long, because I buried, neglected, or felt ashamed of the truth.  I lied to myself when I believed I should not share the testimony of my past with others, because I was ashamed of different parts, or afraid of what others may think of me. God has redeemed me, called me his own, and my past can be used to share His glory.  There is no better way to be free from bondage, than by speaking the truth.

I want to learn how to immediately identify lies the enemy tells me based on Scripture and who I know God to be. I know some of these lies I encounter on a daily basis:
"You aren't worthy of love."
"You are too _____(varies with what I am struggling with - fat, lazy, forgetful, etc) to be loved unconditionally."
"You will never be enough."
"You are not a good _____(varies - in all the roles I have - wife, mother, daughter, ministry partner, friend, etc) and never will be." (John 8:44)


I know these are lies, from the 'father of lies' - but I want to more quickly fire back with the truth - the Word - the sword, to cut through them. I know God's Word tells me He loves me so much He gave His son to die for me, while I was still a sinner. I know God's word tells me that I am saved by grace through faith, not of my own work, so there is nothing I can do to be 'enough.' I already am, because of Jesus. I know that I am in each life role for a specific reason, at this specific time, and God is using each role to refine me, and each person to shape me into being more Christ-like, and I am the exact person He wants for that role.  I am going to put more specific scripture up in my home to help me memorize and fight those lies.

I want to learn how to constantly tell the truth in love and not be ashamed of my true feelings, or afraid of conflict, but to kindly share the truth with grace at all times. I want to be able to set honest, clear boundaries with others that are true to my own heart. People pleasing is tough, and not wanting to cause conflict is tough, and both cause us to tell little lies. "Can you do ___ for me?" Truth: That's not a good time, it will be very inconvenient, and I'd rather not. What I say: "Sure!" which is another way I lie. Or "Does it bother you when ___?" Truth: Yes, yes it does, and I wish you'd stop it. What I say: "No, I hadn't noticed it." I want to become better at voicing my truth in love, and not worrying about what others think. (Ephesians 4:15, Proverbs 12:22)



I want to be better at choosing the most true-to-me activity for my time. I will often lie to myself and act as though social media or television is relaxing and good for my spirit. The truth is that I feel much more alive and at peace after reading, writing, coloring, hand-lettering, exercising, spending time outdoors, with friends, or soaking in a bubble bath. I want to choose things that truthfully make me come alive, not the things that just scratch the surface. I want to stop lying to myself and letting those things that are 'easy' be done in the name of recreation, when they are not the true ways I unwind.

I am looking so forward to embracing truth in 2016! Do you have a one word focus?



Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Fearless Reflections

For 2015, I decided my "One Word" focus was "Fearless."  The original post I made about is here, Fearless in '15, which is where you should begin now, if you haven't read it yet, or in a while, like a year maybe. ;)

I feel I owe that focus word a wrap up, before I begin the word for 2016. 

I was given the opportunity to rehash all of the fears I discussed in the original post, plus many more, over the course of 2015. I learned a lot about myself, as I tried to sort through "What is it that I fear, right now?" At the beginning of the year, and as I stated, I believed the opposite of fear, was faith. However, the more the year wore on, and I began to dissect my fears and rationalize their causes, I found that all fears are based on a lie or over-exaggeration of some sort. So, to me, the opposite of fear is actually accepting the truth, processing my feelings that go along with the truth, before I can say in faith "God's got this, no matter what."  My word for 2016 is going to be truth.  More on that, later. 

I became pregnant again, at a time when John and I were both far more interested in adoption than in having another belly baby.  We had discussed another pregnancy, but had firmly put it the "Maybe in a few months to a year from now" category, with a generous helping of, "We want a Spring/Summer baby again, not another Winter baby when we fear germs."
A week before we found out we were pregnant.

Then, the day after Jonah turned 3, I realized I was a few days 'late' and decided to just double check with a little at home test, that came back glaringly positive. Due date: January 20th, three days after Karis' birthday.  A Winter baby again, kids barely two years apart. This is mentally/emotionally what it looked like for me to process my fears:

Fear: We are not capable of handling a third child this close to the other two in age. One, or all 3 kids, will have serious psychological issues from our lack of competent parenting. 

Truth: We may not be very good parents. However, God will give us the grace we need to survive this season, and will help our children to overcome anything negative we impart to them. We will pray and read Scripture, and try our darnedest to be Godly parents who point their kids back to Christ, don't yell, don't discipline in anger, feed them a good amount of vegetables, and make sure they sleep enough, but at the end of the day, it is Jesus we want them to cling tightly to, not us anyways.

Faith: We do have to have faith that God will work all of it out - but we have to accept the truth, that even if we 'fail,' God is big enough to 'fix' them. It is not my job to be so afraid of making mistakes with my kids that I forget to enjoy life with them.


Fear: Another baby in late January means all the hand sanitizer, staying at home, avoiding social gatherings, wondering if people have had their TDAP vaccination, and praying for no flu or other big viruses to attack the house while baby has an immature immune system.  The baby could get sick and die. 

Truth: Newborns do get sick and die. People are careless with their hand washing, germ spreading, anti-vaccinating beliefs, and our baby could die. However, she was never ours to begin with. Our children are a gift from God for whatever amount of time He deems reasonable. I will mourn the rest of my life if I ever lose a child, and I will have to seek lots of counseling and grace in order to continue to function, but I would hold tightly to the hope that I would hold that child in heaven, and in all of eternity.  That is still a sad and scary truth, but accepting it is better than becoming a hostage to it. Just typing it feels kind of wrong, and very scary, like its a more real possibility, which just drives me to more fervent prayer.

Faith: Knowing that God says he has a plan for me, and He has a plan for my children, and praying "God, your will be done, and please let it be a lifetime of loving all my kids here on earth." I can protect her as much as I can, but it is not my job to be stressed and worried constantly about her health. 
It's a GIRL!

Josie Faith

Fear: We will never have the opportunity or resources to be able to adopt. 

Truth: It may be several more years down the road before we feel competent enough to add another small human to our household, but waiting does not mean that it won't happen.

Faith: If God continues to want us to adopt, He will provide the resources and funds needed when He is ready for our family to grow again. It is not my job to worry about when or how it will happen. 

We also felt the unmistakeable call to change jobs/states/cities again last year.  If moving doesn't scare you a little bit, you might be crazy.  I've spent my entire life moving, and that's part of why I hate it.  I am great at adjusting to new things, places, and people, because I have had to live in a state of constant change.  This was a move from a large, more traditional church, to a much smaller, very Contemporary church.  This was also a move from a city 4 hours away from family, back to living less than half an hour from each of our parents.  There have been several moments of Fear/Truth/Faith processing that went along with that move in September, and are still happening.

I did decide to participate in Dressember again this year, and was pleasantly surprised and overjoyed by having a team of 11 ladies join me! I would have never set such high fundraising goals by myself, out of fear that I would not reach it, but as a team I felt we could accomplish more, and holy smokes, batman, generous people and God really showed up! Instead of posting weekly about that, you can feel free to check out my Instagram or Facebook page for how that went, wearing dresses the entire 8th month of pregnancy. ;) These were my favorite pictures from the month:





This was my final post about it yesterday:

Grocery shopping with children under 4 deserves some sort of medal (or beverage - coffee, of course) . However, it is MUCH easier in comfy jeans than in a dress! Dressember is over and January is here with so many fresh beginnings and hopes. I want to admit that I am overwhelmed and in awe when I think about how many big anonymous givers we had this year. It makes it harder to thank individuals, but easier to say "Wow, God" 
About half way through the month, when we were far less than half-way to our team goal, I confessed to my husband that I was concerned we weren't going to meet our goal. He reassured me that any amount was better than nothing, and I should be grateful whether we reached our goal or not, because our efforts had brought some donations. However, I wasn't satisfied. I searched my heart, cleared out any selfish ambition and made sure I was in this for God's glory only, the freedom of captives, and not one bit about myself. I began earnestly praying that we would at least meet our team goal, if not exceed it. Then something amazing happened. We DID! Varying sizes of small and large named and anonymous donations began flooding in toward the end of the month. I was so shocked and excited because it's not about the money, but the lives that can be changed and restored with each dollar! YOU helped to make that happen, and I am eternally grateful. The Dressember foundation is accepting donations that will still count toward IJM and A21 until the end of January, if you feel led to give toward freedom. Just because we surpassed our goal, doesn't mean the organizations that receive this money are now fully funded- every single time someone is set free, it takes money, so they still need it! I raised under $700 last year. This year, as a team of 11, our goal was $2500- and thanks to the generosity of many, we are currently at $3557! All praise goes to God! Thankful once again for answered prayers.
I would not say that I 'conquered' fear in 2015, but I sure did become far more aware of it in my own heart and mind, and begin to address it, process it, and turn to faith more often.  I have also been reading the book lately, "The Emotionally Healthy Woman: Eight Things You Have to Quit to Change Your Life." It is an easy read, but is ground breaking on how to handle, process, and deal with fear and all sorts of other issues, in a Biblically healthy way! It has helped to uncover many fear/truth/faith moments I had not realized I was just shoving away/denying.  I VERY HIGHLY recommend this for any woman, regardless of whether you think you struggle with any fear issues at all. It encompasses so much more than that!

How did your 2015 "One Word" go? Was it what you expected? I'd love to hear your thoughts on this!